Independence is the ability to make good decisions and take responsibility for yourself. It’s an important skill that every adult needs to thrive, and children can start learning this skill when they’re still very young.
As a parent, you have an essential role in helping your child learn to do things for themselves. However, in the everyday business of life, it can be easy to overlook this training or be unsure where to start with your kids.
Here are six ways that you can begin to foster independence in your children:
1. Make Time
Opportunities for encouraging independence are found every day, but many families are too busy to make the most of them. A busy schedule with no downtime leaves little time for learning. For instance, it’s hard to let your child tie his own shoes if you’re running late for school or an activity.
To better prioritize teaching independence, consider dropping an activity or two. Then, look for opportunities to let your child do things for themselves. Making their own bed, picking up their own toys, and even washing their own dishes after a meal can help kids develop a sense of independence and confidence in themselves.
2. Encourage Them
Children are very sensitive to verbal feedback, and they’ll notice if you feel impatient, frustrated, and disapproving. A key part of supporting them as they learn independence is to be patient with them and praise their efforts. You may have to rewash some dishes or do another pick-up when they’re done cleaning their room, but it’s important to still express pride in their effort.
As adults, it’s easy to forget how difficult things were the first time you tried them. Children can take us back to our own early experiences and remind us that everything was once new for us too. Part of building resilience in your kids is reminding them verbally that they are capable and you believe in their ability to get things done.
3. Give Guidance
There are many ways to teach life skills, and each child will respond uniquely to different kinds of guidance. However, the best teaching methods combine support with a push to help kids climb out of their comfort zones. Parenting is a delicate balancing act between protecting your children and allowing them to try new things and grow through experience.
For example, some parents have their kids use training wheels to learn to ride a bike. Others put their children on a bike at the top of a hill and then let them figure out how to ride on their own. While neither of those teaching methods is “wrong,” a better solution may be to help your child get started and then let them try out what you’ve described. Guidance can reduce frustration and give children the confidence to go out and try new things on their own.
4. Step Back
One of the best ways to teach independence is to stop doing everything for your child and give them space to take care of themselves. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you stop meeting your child’s needs – there are many things young children simply can’t do. However, children can start to grow in their independence by performing small tasks on their own throughout the day.
A good way to practice stepping back is to teach your child a new skill every week. These skills can be things they do for themselves or some small way they help you around the house. Some examples are tying their shoes, dressing themselves, brushing their teeth, picking up their rooms, wiping the table after a meal, and helping you rake leaves. Kids love to do adult things, and practising will help them learn.
5. Allow Failure
Many children are afraid of failure. They worry about what will happen if they don’t perform a task well, so they’re afraid to try new things. In adults, this is called perfectionism – if it’s not perfect, it’s not good. As a parent, you can teach your kids that this is simply not true.
Failure is a foundational part of learning, and it’s how you respond to failure that matters. A positive response to failure is known as resiliency, and it’s one of the most important predictors of future success in adults. Help your kids normalize and even celebrate failure, and then teach them how to try again. Removing shame and any feelings of inadequacy from failure will help your kids to thrive as independent adults.
6. Share Stories
Another way to teach independence to your children is to tell them stories about brave, resilient people. Children are looking for role models, and stories offer many characters who model bravery, intuition, strong decision-making skills, and courage. Stories can also teach children new ways of being independent, such as what to do if you’re bitten by a snake and how to respond if you get lost.
Building skills in the day-to-day helps kids develop the psychological muscles they need to grow in independence. However, stories can add a motivating factor to the way kids view independence – they can adopt the qualities of different characters during tough moments. Stories can also help kids learn to value independence as a good character quality in their own lives.
Raising Resilient Kids
Independence is a skill that can be taught, like using silverware and knowing where to look before you cross the street. With a little guidance and a lot of patience, you can help your kids begin to develop into resilient, self-reliant adults.
Use these six tips to get started, and remember that learning is a process. Your children can learn independence, but they’re also used to relying on you as a safety net and protector. Take this process one step at a time, and watch for results. You may be surprised by how much you learn about yourself along the way!