When you first find out your pregnant all sorts run through your head. Boy or girl, names, products but also what your baby will be like and we all know… He/she will be perfect of course!
Everyone says how hard parenting is but that’s them, I will be great and my child will be perfect. Here are the 4 stages of perfectness.
Stage 1 9 month pregnant, you feel a ping and a little twinge, pop to the hospital, your in labour, a few pushes and oooh out pops your baby. I don’t have a clue why people say labour is so hard. Me and my perfect baby!
Stage 2
Sleeping through the night. So easy! My baby sleeps from 8pm straight through, no bottle feeds or anything. Doesn’t wake till 9am and I wake feeling as fresh as a daisy. Me and my perfect baby!
Stage 3
Weaning your baby. No fuss at all. My baby eats anything and everything for their plate, makes no mess. I bet they’ll be using cutlery by 12 month old. Me and my perfect baby.
Stage 4
Tantrums, what tantrums. My child won’t paddy, they’ll sit perfectly, neat and tidy, no screaming or shouting, no throwing and biting, just a great child doing as they are told. Awwww my perfect child. 
None of that is true. None of it at all! If for a minute any of the above does happen, assume your child is plotting and get ready for war!
Reality usually goes something like this:
Stage 1
40 weeks pregnant, no sign of baby
41 weeks pregnant, have a sweep, still no sign of baby
42 weeks pregnant, you start getting twinges at 1am, try to brush them off as you need sleep. By 4am you are screaming and wailing as though your in an exorcism. Your waters burst all over your carpet, you get to hospital and find your 5cm dilated and then for hours nothing happens apart from you screaming in pain. Gas and air, a drop in BP, an epidural and 5 hours later and still no sign of baby. Eventually your baby decides to move but gets stuck coming out. After pushing and pushing (and nearly kicking the midwife across the room) you have to be cut down below… Eeek! Your baby is born and you have to be stitched up. Your baby poops this black stuff that is like tar and is impossible to clean and you can’t pee for a week as the stitches sting so much. Never again we say, till the next time your broody. 
Stage 2
Go to sleep, after an hour your baby wakes for a bottle, you warm the bottle, feed your baby, change their nappy if it needs doing, clean their sick, changes your pyjamas after they’ve threw up on you, get mad a you pyjama top as you can’t find which way it goes because your bedroom is pitch black, get you baby back to sleep, finally start drifting off, panic as the movement monitors alarm goes off, realise its just cos your baby has rolled off the sensor pad, don’t sleep for the rest of the night as your worried the alarm will go off again. Wake at 7am as that’s when your baby decides that its giggle time and you look like death.
Stage 3
Rule 1 – do not get cream carpets
Rule 2 – do not wear nice clothing
Rule 3 – prepare for a food fight
Babies make a mess, not just a bit of dinner but they will throw the whole dish on the floor, on themselves or on you! Baby food is usually orange and stains so I would say to stay with the retro 60’s style furniture and it should blend in well. Treats are a must as a bribe ‘eat your dinner and you can have a sweet’ also works with tantrums too (see below). 
Stage 4
the terrible two’s is totally wrong. Kids don’t just stick with one year. From the moment they can walk and talk that’s it! Get me this, get me that, now, Now, NOW! And that’s just in the supermarket, in front of everyone, especially to embarrass you. Screaming, crocodile tears, slamming doors, get ready for it as there is no stopping a strop when its in full swing.
These are just the stages we have passed or are going through and I’m sure there’s loads more to come.
No child is ever perfect all of the time and even after everything they do I still wouldn’t have them any other way.
Great post….
I lol all the way through!
So funny.
Oh god, I've got terrible twos to come…due to start in 2 weeks time!
Yep and the older they get, the wiser they get too. They just push different buttons! xx
You are going to hate me…
Stage 2 is true for all three of my children. They all sleep through til about 9! (I have to wake the oldest on school days).
And my oldest didn't have tantrums until she started primary school!
I am so the above stages!!! (Ha LIES) So true, when they reach four they become teenagers, I swear, the answering back and toilet roll usage is appalling! Love this post.
I'm sooo lucky with Dexter. He sleeps like a dream. We're not at toddler stage yet but I'm definitely not looking forward to it reading this lol – I just know he'll be a cheeky monkey (like his dad) x
SO TRUE SO TRUE I had this x 2! Yes TWINS I don't think I slept for the first 4 years! WE ARE ALL GOOD NOW! WHEW~ I am a new follower & I hope you will do the same. I found you at Lets Get Social Sunday.
Nina
Hahah so funny.. but SO realistic !