3 March 2016

When You Want To Change, But Don't Know How


This is quite a hard post for me to write as it's something so personal to me. Something that I dread to think about. And is the reason why I'm sat here at 3am, unable to sleep and sobbing away. Trying to keep as quiet as possible so as to not wake the baby. 

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We know each other inside out. When talking to each other, we rarely use our names and usually pick insults instead. I'm quite partial to calling him a crank when talking to him. And why not, it's a great word. It's probably up there in my top 10 favourite words. My first favourite being cantankerous as, well why the hell not. It's a fab word!

But anyway, I'm going off topic. Tonight was different. I don't know why. Whether it's because the baby has kept me up most nights for he past 12 month. Whether I'm hormonal, I don't know. But when I was getting into bed and my husband jokingly said that I looked pregnant, my heart sank. 

And I don't know why. I know he was joking, just like when I ask him if he's pregnant too. I know he doesn't mean it and is saying it in jest. I'm sat here angry at myself. Angry that I seem to be getting upset over something and nothing. I'm not one of these people that get offended easily. I take everything with a pinch of salt. I look on the bright side of life. 

Not at this moment in time though. 

And I think it's more to do with the fact that deep down, I know that I'm overweight. That I need to look after myself better. And that I actually hate my body and how I look. I don't look at myself in the mirror and will try to get my face only in photographs, but when I get a glimpse of how I look, I despise myself.

My skin is saggy from carrying babies. The stretch marks don't bother me but the rest does. The overhang of fat around my tummy. The fact that I can't wear jeans without having a 'muffin top'. The fact that I still look pregnant, even a year after giving birth. I hate myself, I hate the way I look.

In my head I know that I need to take care of me but I don't know how to. How to stop eating so much. How to stop snacking. Because that's my problem. 

I'm a mum of 3 boys so I'm always on the move. It's not exercise I need, it's my food intake that is the problem. I eat, like all the time. I can eat healthy and do like healthy food but I snack when I'm bored and there lies the problem. I can't help it, it's a habit that I can't seem to break. And I don't know what to do. 

So for now, I'll just sit here, quietly weeping, trying my hardest not to wake anyone, whilst I annoy myself with thoughts that are stopping me from sleeping.

11 comments:

  1. Aw, I feel for you reading this. Hope you are feeling better this morning. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Childbirth truly takes it out of your body. Stay strong x

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  2. Aww I feel for you I've been trying to loose the baby weight from having Blake and I've not lost any yet and he is now 15 months old. Its so hard when u got kids as ur on the move so often.

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  3. I totally hear you reading this, i actually lost weight during both my pregnancies and then gained 2st after each. At my heaviest i was so unhappy with myself i could barely look at my own reflection and rarely left the house. The weight isn't coming off as fast as i would like but i've managed to lose 2 stone over the last 18 months though. Don't give up or lose hope, just make little lifestyle changes that will help get you back to the place you want to be xxx

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  4. I can so relate to this. I know it is easy to say, but focus on the amazing things your body has done - grown humans! I find drinking plenty of water stops me snacking unnecessarily x

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  5. Oh no I hope you are feeling better today! As Rebecca says above, try and focus on the positives of your body. Your body rocked your pregnancies, it's gonna have reminders. Try cut out some snacks and drink plenty of water, that's what helped me!!

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  6. Don't cry alone, let your husband know how your feeling. Our bodies change so much through out our lives, you'll get to were you want to be.

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  7. I have had stages like this and the only way I have been able to kerb it is to not have anything snacky in the house - only stuff for the kids that we keep in 'their' cupboard. Will power is the answer but it's easier said than done x

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  8. I know this feeling all to well. it really starts to get you down the more you dwell on it and if your anything like me the more stressed and down i get the more i eat which totally doesn't help. Im starting a clean 9 detox in the next week or two which is meant to be great for helping you shift the extra lbs as well as giving you loads of energy and clearer skin! x

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  9. I find snacking on nuts and fruit helps x

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  10. Hoping your feeling much much better now. Hope you had a girly night out with lots of fun 😃 As for diets try salads now the weather is warmer add Oranges squeezed whole or chopped brings a different flavour

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  11. I have been there and I know we know how to eat healthily, thats not the issue, its self esteem and the need for being you -not just mum and wife/partner however much that is great. I decided to give myself goals and make me happy for once -I now go to the gym with my friend just for an hour ,have learnt to drive, have lost two and a half stone -not by going on some stupid diet but just by cutting out bad fats ( I even allowed myself a glass of wine every night!) I go for walks with the dog and take photos of the wildlife etc I think by giving yourself goals however small will make you happier and let someone else look after the children while you enjoy being you !! you deserve it

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