1 May 2015

How Your Last Child Changes Everything

Last night, Joseph woke up shortly after I'd fed him his night-time feed. He was upset and disturbed so I slowly picked him up and placed him in to bed with me. Holding him in my arms, I stared at him as he drifted off back to sleep. Just mesmerised in his love as he reached out and grasped my hand with his tiny little fingers, studying his face so that I could remember it forever. 

Knowing that today was coming and what that signified, made me just want to hold him even tighter for that little bit longer.

Today is a big day for us. Today is the day that my husband goes for a vasectomy. Even though this day has been coming for a while now, it hasn't stopped me feeling emotional today. My mindset has changed with this baby. As I watch him grow and bond with his brothers, learn to walk, talk, his first tooth, all of his firsts are the lasts for me. 

You see, I love children. I love having a baby and, would have loads if I could but realistically, we had to think about us and our family, about how we could cope, and in conclusion, financially we can't afford any more children, emotionally we can't and due to health reasons, this was the last nail in the coffin when it came to making this decision. 

Pregnancy makes me ill, ridiculously ill, to the point where I cannot work or even eat and this means that I am no good to my kids whilst going through it. I let them down and cannot do anything that we have planned. So we made this decision together, based on everything, that 3 children was our limit. 

Since Joseph was born, I have been different, motherhood seems different. I'm no longer impatient in wanting him to grow up quick. waiting for the milestones to show how he's developing, and instead I'm desperately wanting to slow down time so that I can focus more and be in these moments for just that little bit longer. 

Worrying that one day, he'll be older and wont want to cuddle mummy quite as much, so take every opportunity to have him snuggled in my arms. Letting him drift off to sleep on me and just gripping to these moments so I don't lose them. With my first child, I followed all the advice, not holding him for too long, not picking him up straight away when he cried, parenting the ways the books told me to, afraid that letting him be any different would be spoiling him. But you know what, doing what you think is right as a mother is not spoiling them.

I've become such much more aware of the time and how fast it goes. Not wanting to admit that I no longer have a newborn baby, I still have all his clothing, waiting for me to be ready to send them off to be made in to his own little plush toy made from his very own newborn clothing. But how, how can he be nearly 3 month old. It seems like time is passing even faster than before and so I am now taking every moment I can to slow down and just be there, in that moment. 

And you know that stuff, those things that you would usually want to get done straight away, those things can wait. The dishes in the sink can wait, it doesn't matter if they stay there over night, having fun and spending time with my children is the most important thing and from now on, I will be making sure I try my damnedest to slow down the time and just take in each moment, knowing that this is the last time that any of these firsts will happen for me.

24 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you are savouring every moment with your teeny baby. I can't imagine how strange it must feel to know that any more babies are totally off the cards, but knowing your suffering during pregnancy hopefully will help to know that you're caring for your children to the best you can. Sorry if this is a bit rambling and hope it makes sense! xx

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    1. You totally make sense and that's how I feel, kind of mixed between happy and sad x

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  2. I feel exactly the same with my third - so desperate to slow things down & not rush her through her milestones

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    1. It's so hard as when they do something new it's all great and exciting till you realise that it means that they are alowly getting older, bit by bit x

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  3. Angela Garside2 May 2015 at 16:48

    I have 2 but felt exactly the same after having my last as we are not having any more

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    1. It's a sad time but means that we get to focus on our little ones more xx

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  4. My little lady is 5 weeks, she is my third and final baby, got a little emotional myself reading your post

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    1. It is quite daunting when you actually realise that you wont have any more, but it also makes those moments with your children extra special x

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  5. Yes! Enjoy every moment! I know I'll be the same when we have our last. It's all very definite but you have good reasons behind your decision. I'm just impressed you managed to carry three feeling so sick! Well done. Pregnancy isn't always easy. #bestandworst

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    1. I'm so glad I did too, it was so hard work but worth it x

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  6. This is such a gorgeous post! I hope you hubby was ok! I feel I followed the books too much with my first and second time around I want to be a bit more like you are with Joseph. Will treasure every moment. Here's hoping time doesn't pass too quickly for you! Thanks for linking up to #bestandworst and please pop back next time xx

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    1. It is going way too quick. Already growing into his own little personality x

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  7. This post brought tears to my eyes, my daughter is now 10 weeks and my husband has made it clear we are having no more, the thought of never holding another newborn that is mine is pretty sad but yet I still feel so lucky to be in this situation. I like you want time to slow down, it's going far too fast. Thanks for linking such a lovely post up to the #bestandworst and hope to see you again next week! x

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    1. Thanks, it's so sad isn't it, to realise that you'll have no more babies, but means that you no longer have to worry about newborns etc and can enjoy your family x

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  8. Three is my magic number also! I've come to accept that any more would compromise the wellbeing of our family and I feel at ease with this decision. In fact, I feel somewhat freer; to enjoy each bit of all of them :)

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    1. I'm the same now, I was a bit sad at first but have now come to terms with it x

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  9. This is such a lovely post Michaela. You're right, time slips away so quickly. It doesn't seem like 2 minutes when my eldest was starting nursery, and next month she leaves her primary school for good. I think I'll spend the whole of the 6 week holidays in tears lol X

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    1. Time flies! It's unreal to think about how quick it passes x

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  10. That post brought tears to my eyes, I don't want any more children but having that decision taken away from me makes me extremely sad, it doesn't seem that long ago I was desperate to start a family and now I have a 9 year old and a five year old!!

    Kirsty Fox

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    1. I feel exactly the same. Time has flown by so quickly x

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  11. This is really interesting, I am currently pregnant with my third and it is our last baby. I've had awful pregnancies every time and just don't have it in me to go through another one, but I don't know how I will feel once no 3 is born and it all becomes a reality

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    1. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. All I'd say is to enjoy every moment :-)

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  12. I think it's wonderful that you've had three babies,most people would give up after feeling so terrible.I also understand the financial implications of having a family,my daughter is the same,she only has the one but would love to give her everything and experience everything but financial constraints mean they could only do that if they stopped at one.It's hard when she sees her brothers two and sisters one soon to be two x

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    1. It is hard when you realise that you cannot have any more but at least you know that you're doing the right thing. Your daughter sounds like she's thought it through and knows that her situation limits her to one child (albeit an amazing child I'm sure!) at the moment. x

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