Friday, 12 July 2013

Children Born Out of Wedlock

Oh yes, I am breeching my no ranting rule and am starting a debate about this. In fact, not a debate, there should be no debate about this (I realise that I said debate too many times in that last sentence!) but here goes.

The Telegraph posted yesterday that Most children will be born out of wedlock by 2016 because of the decline in marriage. The proportion of children born to unmarried mothers hit a record 47.5 per cent last year, according to the Office for National Statistics. The figure has risen from 25 per cent in 1988 and just 11 per cent in 1979. 

Tim Loughton, the former Children's minister, has called on the government to introduce tax breaks for married couples to help stop the decline and he says "If people are prepared to make a public declaration to each other in front of their friends and family they are more likely to stay together. Without marriage people drift in and out of relationships very easily."

Really, is that true because I think he it totally wrong. I have plenty of friends who have been together for years and have never been married, nevertheless are totally committed to each other whereas I also have another friend who has been married twice and now twice divorced too. I think this is to do with the individual person and not whether they are married or not. 

He goes on to say "In families where parents break up children do less well at school, are more likely to suffer mental health problems and are more likely to have substance abuse problems."

So basically, even if parents are married and said marriage starts to break up, they should still be together in a loveless marriage just for their kids? Wouldn't that in fact be worse? I would much rather see my parents be happy separate than unhappy together. Again, I think this is down to the individual themselves and not based on their parents living arrangements or marital status. 

I find this whole story stupid and unarguable. Why does it matter about a persons marital status when they have children? We don't live in the 1800's any more. We live in a modern world where people are individuals and don't feel the need to marry the first person they go out with. 

If a relationship didn't work when they weren't married then it wouldn't work if a couple were married and would either end up in divorce, bringing the divorce rate soaring (yet another thing for people to moan about!) or would end with the couple staying together for the sake of their children and resenting each other or their children for their loveless lives. 

Is that really what we want? A Country of unhappy married couples staying together for their children's sake, pretending to be happy wishing they weren't together but because the government says they should be, sticking at it and hating each other.

We aren't defined like we used to be, based on our marital status. Women don't hide away nowadays if they are pregnant out of wedlock and we aren't forced to marry if we do fall pregnant.

I believe in marriage as one of the most personal things a person will go through in their life as a couple. It should not be forced upon someone and should only come when the time is right. Having children is the same. None should be taken into lightly and we should be promoting not rushing, not jumping straight into both things until the time is right. Should we be really saying that married couple can get a tax break as an incentive when all this will do is make couples think that they can't afford to separate if the time comes where they don't want to be together any more.

Me personally, I am married. Simon and I will have been married for 5 years on the 28th of this month. It wasn't a decision we took lightly, we didn't have a 'quicky' marriage because I was pregnant, but instead spoke about it, waited until we were both ready and it just felt right. It was just a coincidence that both of our children were born after this time (I fell pregnant on honeymoon!) and in the likelihood that they were born before we got married then so be it. It would not have changed anything. We would still have waited to get married until the time was right and would not have assumed that it was the done thing to do and totter down the aisle with a huge bump just so our children weren't born out of wedlock.

As a country, do we really want a mass amount of marriages that aren't in it for the right reasons? Ruining the sanctity of marriage, making a mockery of it because 'the government says we should be married'. Shouldn't we be talking about how special, how immense, how much of a step getting married is. How important it is and that it shouldn't be gone into lightly. Too many these days end up in divorce and this should not be happening. Marriage is for life and I for one, will never, and I mean never, get divorced. I do not believe in divorce (that is a whole new argument but my personal belief) and think that by the government trying to push people into marriage will just cause a higher divorce rate and marriage becoming mundane, not special any more and that would be a huge shame.

Sorry, I'm babbling now and have probably repeated myself over and over!

Shouldn't we be promoting a healthy relationship, whether married or not, as long as you are happy and your children are happy then that's the most important thing. 

20 comments:

  1. I think it is all utter rubbish. my first two children were born before I married my now husband. They aren't any different to my youngest two who were born when I was married.

    And parents breaking up, yes it can affect the kids, but not necessarily. my parents divorced when my little brother was 6, i was 10 and my older brother was 12. we have all grown up happy, my brothers both went to uni, i went to grammar then qualified as a hairdresser, nomental health or substance abuse here.

    There are no set rules on what will happen to either the children or the adults in these situation, it is all individual and personal in each case.

    Totally joining your rant!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I agree completely - this is absolutely disgusting..we were told that gay marriage would make a mockery of marriage. Utter tosh, this is a complete blatant mockery of marriage and clearly an attempt to scare people into doing what they want (the Government). Cameron's big thing, big focus was on family and this just backs that up. Except in reality, it's not about family, it's all about outward appearances and keeping us subdued and quiet.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I did also mean to say - i've been in a committed relationship for 7 years, one of those gay ones too (I forgot how promiscuous we are - actually i'm worse cos i'm bisexual, so by societies standards I am apparently more promiscuous). We're not married but plan to at some point, because as you said it should be down to the individuals. Marriage is special and should be shown that way to children, it's not something you go into lightly or for a tax break.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think a loving home is the most important thing

    ReplyDelete
  5. This story is just another example of statistics being misused. The absence of marriage is not the reason some children do worse, however the children they are indicating are less likely to come from married households because of the background they come from. Often they are young mothers with unplanned children. I'm not saying that all kids from young unmarried parents will do badly, just using it as an example of how this story only looks at one aspect which is actually an indicator rather than a cause. Children of successful parents in a longterm relationship are more likely to do well, however those parents are also more likely to be married. It always annoys me when people don't look at the full picture in order to get a story. Sorry for the long rant.

    ReplyDelete
  6. In my opinion loving home have nothing to do with the fact if people are or are not married. That is just pure stupid!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Here, here.
    Happily unmarried for 28 years (daughter in top set at secondary).

    ReplyDelete
  8. Whoops. Meant to say 'hear, hear' (and my parents were happily married too - don't know what to blame poor spelling on now).

    ReplyDelete
  9. My partner and I have been together 15 years, been engaged for 13, have four children ages 12, 9, 4 and 14 weeks. I have no intention of ever getting married after seeing family members on his side go through divorces. I think if we did get married I'd threaten him with divorce every week the times we argue. To be, it's a piece of paper that officially says we are a couple - and people can pay thousands for that privilege! You don't need to prove to anybody that you are in love.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Getting married is expensive. The average budget wedding day costs thousands and sorry but what bride doesnt want a dream fairy tale day. I know I do.
    Why does it matter if your married ? To me it's just a bit of paper and a day to allow people to get drunk and watch old Uncle Di**head make a fool of his self on the dance floor.
    As the saying goes if it ain't broke why fix it? I know a couple in their 30s who been together over 20 years and not married and still happy.

    ReplyDelete
  11. both my daughters were born out of wedlock, we did marry in may but we were a perfectly happy & loving family before we married and it had no impact on our daughters lives

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was brought up by parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids, it was evident there was no love in our house and we would have been better off with them separated. I think in some ways its affected me negatively in my relationships as an adult

    ReplyDelete
  13. In my opinion you are correct, the government is out of touch on this one.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Divorce is painful but is better than subjecting kids to arguing parents

    ReplyDelete
  15. My mom and dad never got married. They were together for over 25 years until my mom passed away. This is the silliest thing I've heard. Marriage actually means nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am a single mum and my dad makes a great male role model! :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. i defo dont agree with them an for the to say the kids do less well in school is complete and utter rubbish. me my my kids father are not together at the moment but my son is above average in almost of of his subjects in school. i think its down to the parents who put the effort in with helping their kids with school work nothing to do with parents not being together

    ReplyDelete
  18. Michelle Hughes shell_shoez27@yahoo.com22 July 2013 at 00:58

    What a load of poop. Married or not shouldn't effect a childs future/education etc as long as a child has a great role model they ll do great :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Agree with all comments on here, every individual is different x

    ReplyDelete
  20. Mine were all born out of wedlock - we simply couldn't afford a wedding too!

    ReplyDelete